how to do makeup when you really weren't expecting to have to.

Far too often in my life, I end up somewhere surrounded by people I actually want to impress, during a situation where I wouldn't mind looking somewhat nice, without any of the tools to make that pipe dream come true. And in case you're thinking that means I live a very exciting and fast paced life, what I really mean is quite often I have to go out into the world and be sociable when I don't have any of my makeup with me - usually because it's on a different floor of my house. My house has three floors, so it is a genuine annoyance to forget something in my bedroom (#humblebrag, but not really because I live with my parents). Anyway, my point is, when you're as lazy as me, sometimes not moving wins out over applying the correct makeup. Luckily (and probably for this very reason), I carry a permanent pouch with me, and recently I've been ingeniously finagling a full makeup routine out of its meagre contents. Here is how.  

Of course, this is based off of stuff which I carried around knowing I liked, so it isn't really that impressive. But at least it works as a proof that I am correct in my pouch choices - take that, haters! And non-haters, these products can be edited and switched to your hearts content. My point is, you can do a reasonable job of makeup using things you have lying around, not for their intended use. Behold.

First: brush your hair, you look like Father Christmas. I like this Denman brush more the more I use it - it smooths out tangles without giving that unattractive "recently-electrocuted" vibe. Next, use your emergency concealer on any emergency zones. I've actually really been liking this Maybelline Super Stay one I got in America, but sod's law, you can't get it in England. The Collection Lasting Perfection one is pretty similar though, I reckon. I then highlight with the RMS Living Luminizer - a very expensive and very tiny shiny balm. I hesitate to reccommend this because it does seem like a stupid thing - except I use it pretty much every time I do makeup and it seems, to me, undupeable. The tiny pot has lasted me about two years and is more than half full, too. However, if you are a bit more sensible that me, a greasy, glowy face cream works really nicely as a natural highlighter - the Weleda Skin Food is ace for this, and it also feeds your hungry face which is nice. Spray over your finished "base" with some sort of facial mist - the ELF one is fine, but I am and always have been an advocate for normal rosewater, dispensed into a spray bottle.

Now to accessorise your face. The Sleek Candy Tint Balm in Marshmallow walks the fine line between natural lips and pink lips. After applying this, I dabbed a touch onto my cheeks, too, as a matching blush. I put some of the Skin Food on my eyelids to act as the most natural iridescent shadow ever, which making my eyelids look very moist and smooth - sounds disgusting, looks maybe ok? Finally, something I was perhaps overly proud of, I dipped the spoolie I always carry (pinched from Lush - don't tell) into some more Skin Food and combed it through my eyebrows. Voila - clear brown gel and a clever avoidance of the Count Olaf look. Easy makeup, made easy - and made even easier by the fact I could do it all while still sat on my arse watching MTV's Are You The One? I am, indeed, proud of myself.

blonde-ing for novices and idiots

Just what the internet needs, right? Another "going-blonde" tutorial? But I thought I'd add my own unique voice to the mix anyway, because I seriously did not know anything about this before I started. So from one idiot to another (I assume only idiots would care what I have to say about hair dyeing), here is my story so far. 

So just for context: here is where we started. As you can see, the epitome of "brown."  Pretty much all of my hair was "virgin" and very long and thick. Eagle-eyed starers will notice some subtle highlights about my face. These were not actually highlights, but mistaken bleaching via my benzoyl peroxide acne treatment (#glam). Even more #glam was that I sometimes ran over these with eyebrow dye to try to bring them back to the darker side. Never ever mistake me for somebody who takes great care of their appearance. 
The first stage of my blondeing process began in a similarly stupid and half-arsed way. I bought some hydrogen peroxide off the internet and sprayed it into my hair after washing but before blow drying. This lightened my hair to a dark and warm blonde, bordering on ginger. It also made my hair prone to enormous tangles and fuzzing up like a cheap wig. After a couple of months of maybe twice weekly bleach-spraying, I realised this wasn't really cutting the mustard. Still unsure of what I actually wanted my hair to look like, but sure that I'd come this far and might as well keep messing about with it, I decided to move on to next level bleaching.
Instead of buying intimidating bleach and developer and powder or whatever, I went for peroxide box dye. Schwarzkopf Live Color XXL Absolute Platinum to be exact (at the time of dyeing, these were on a 2 for £7.50 deal which was pretty much the only thing that swayed me towards them). Two boxes of this on my head later, I was left with this:

Basically bright yellow all over. This is it dry, but when I actually washed it off it looked a lot more multitonal - through the whole dark-brown-orange-yellow-blonde spectrum. The parts where the bleach has taken worst were where there had been some leftover eyebrow dye in my hair. Annoyingly, these were the most noticeable parts, being right next to my face. I missed taking a photo of that stage because I was too busy panicking. I realised that maybe everything anyone had told me about home-bleaching (mostly: "don't do that") might have been correct. But in for a penny, in for a pound, I marched back to Superdrug and got another two boxes of the dye. 
Because my hair was in good condition beforehand, I felt confident I could double bleach it without severe, hair-falling-out-in-clumps consequences. Note that this confidence was based on absolutely no facts or evidence. I do understand that a lot of people would prefer to go to a salon for this type of thing - I'm the first to admit that this wasn't a well-thought-through plan. But if the choice was to spend over £100, or to not go blonde, I probably wouldn't have bothered at all, and I did really want to give it a go. I have a pretty strong DIY ethos towards most things, and this was more an experiment than an important life decision. Also, instead of spending hours and hours with a stranger (my worst nightmare) I got to spend some quality time with my boyfriend (round 1) and my sister (round 2). Shout-out to Mark and Caitlin for hanging out with me in a room which smelt like a bin (because of the dye, duh) whilst I repeatedly asked "Have you got all the bits in the back??" Also massive shout-out to my main blonde bitch Lilly, who counselled me through the entire process by text, and was full of wise advice like "Yeah then scorch the fucker."

After bleach number two, I mixed a bunch of the cult favourite Provoke in with the free Schwarzkopf hair mask and put it all on my head for an hour or so, giving me a cute purple-foam-haired look (left). The results after washing out but pre-drying can be seen on the right. Not entirely yellowless, but certainly on the blonde side of yellow (and not the dreaded bright orange side).

Not bad considering how much of an imbecile I was about the whole thing, right? Excuse the open drawer full of sports bras in the background. Since the dyeing of last weekend, I have done one further purple shampoo. This turned the palest bits silvery-purple, but left the yellowest bits largely unaffected. The aim is to get hair that is all the same tone (preferably on the cool side) but different shades within that tone (as in, all the same amount of coolness, but some darker and some lighter so it isn't too flat). This is what I'm left with at the moment.

It's the blasted eyebrow-dyed fringe bits which are the only real fly in the ointment. I have purchased another cult classic, the Wella White Lady toner from Amazon (plus developer). If google image searches are anything to go by (and they always are), this should help with the warm bits and with unifying the tone overall. This hasn't arrived yet though, so in the purpose of full disclosure I feel I must tell you that I'm currently sat here with purple shampoo applied only to the yellow bits in my fringe with an old toothbrush. Things certainly haven't got any more professional around here.

pouch updates

If you're a long term fan of me, you'll probably remember my seminal work, my pouch - coincidentally, almost exactly a year ago. Well a lot has changed in a year, and that predominantly refers to said pouch's contents. Here are some new additions which are important enough to be with me wherever I go.

The main change in the last year has taken place atop my scalp. I have gone from brown-and-Jesus-like, through the tiny fringe phase and into a more difficult time of my life: growing out a fringe whilst going blonde. The various clips are necessary at all times to centre-part my tufty bits into place and try to forget about them.I also have a Denman brush (the D81S to be precise) because I cannot justify a Mason Pearson purchase. People on the internet have described this as "90% as good" and for 15% of the price, that seems to work out - maths. This is good for doing an overall brush over to smooth down any mad fuzz, and also works well at removing starter-dreadlocks without pulling out too many hairs. Hairs are now a prized commodity in these dry and damaged parts.

I have recently developed a penchant for cool-toned-yet-somewhat-natural lips. These are good winter alternatives to glosses - shiny and adding a hint of pinky-lilac, making you look a bit too cold in a cute way. They are also good when your lips are peeling off from sitting staring into a fan heater all day (October - yay!) because they make lips look soft and smooth. These two (the L'oreal Rouge Caresse in Tempting Lilac and the Maybelline Baby Lips in Sugar Cookie) have to added advantage of smelling like cake.

A further development over the past year seems to be that I have started looking more tired all the time. I don't like wearing undereye concealer because I think it always looks extremely obvious and unnatural - nonetheless, I do quite like looking bright eyed, and not just because of the band. The Rohto Cooling Eye Drops are great for making the whites of your eyes white again, and also give you a blast of cold which peps you up. I get them from eBay because I don't think they're available in the UK, and buying eyedrops off eBay seems in equal parts dangerous and thrilling to me (born to be wild, I know). Another gimmick I've been trying is the Garnier Roll On. Does it actually do anything? The jury is still out. Do I inexplicably enjoy rolling a metal ball around my eye socket? Guilty as charged. I believe this does something involving caffeine to wake up your eye skin. I have always said there is nothing more unattractive than asleep eye skin. Finally, I have taken to carrying around an eye cream with me, because I am a sociopath. I like the Kiehls Avocado one because it's extremely greasy, so even with makeup on I like to put this on my eyelids and tear ducts as a sort of extremely natural highlighter. However, it is a bit pricey so I would recommend the Weleda Skin Food for the same thing. As the proverb goes: when it's cold outside, apply more grease, and please God get that fringe out of your eyes.

shine your face so the sun doesn't have to

I'm a massive proponent of glowy, borderline shiny skin. I know I recently posted about the most unsubtle of shine's many forms (glitter), but if that's too silly for your sophisticated lives, there is another way. I may sound like a broken record (I'm never sure what I've actually put down in words and what I have just thought about writing down) but everyone can and should have shine on their face. Old, boring people have matte, flat, dry skin. Young, energetic people who are full of vitality and always rushing from adventure to adventure inevitably have a bit of shine about them. And the best part is, even though I am actually boring and lazy, my skin-shine tricks people into thinking otherwise!

I currently have undeniably "bad hair". But I'm not talking about that now, and thus neither should you.

Worlds worst #bblogger displays a trifecta of nail ugliness - chipped, bitten and glitter painted.

If you use a product that is borderline subtle, it helps with this trickery. Instead of looking like "highlighter on fleek" (*throws up*) it just looks like really healthy, moist (*throws up again*) reflective sheen. I have three such products because I am a lunatic. They are displayed in blocks on my wrist, from top to bottom: the L'oreal Lumi Magique Primer, Lush Feeling Younger, and the Becca Shimmering Skin Perfector in Pearl. They are all pretty similar (look like white creams until they're rubbed into glowiness), although the L'oreal is more primer-ish (read: silicone feeling), and the Lush is more shimmery and more gold. The Becca is the best (and has "skincare benefits" and SPF 25!) and also the most ridiculously priced - isn't that always the way?? 

If you're a shiny faced beginner, tapping on facial high points (inner-eyes and cupid's bow, cheekbones and brow bones - see my crescent moon of reflected light above) is a step in the right direction. But if, like me, you're in the exclusive category of the shiny faced expert, all of these are just about subtle enough to put pretty much all over your face - how exciting! Go forth and blind your enemies! And if anyone tells you you're looking too shiny, remember that that's a compliment and they just don't know it yet.

on glitter

Overall, I do think the best makeup is "no makeup makeup". But sometimes "lots of makeup makeup" is the only option. Sometimes I can no longer keep up the pretense of being sophisticated (HA). Sometimes overstated triumphs over understated. And all of those times are fine times to douse oneself in iridescent particles and let your head become a mobile disco ball. The most important thing about wearing makeup is to have fun, and in my eyes there is nothing more fun than glitter.
What lots of plebs don't know is that glitter can be done somewhat subtly (as well as the also charming assault-on-the-eyeballs look). Glitter can be for life, not just for Christmas.

Maybelline Baby Lips Crystal in Pink Quartz, Wet n Wild Mega Brilliant Lip Gloss in Crushed Grapes, Topshop Glitter in Periwinkle, Barry M Fine Glitter Dazzle Dust in 7, Ebay glitters, Bourjois Intense Eyeshadow in 03, Topshop Chameleons in Shuffle the Cards and Wax & Wane.

Here are the prods that work best, ranging from fine shimmery sparkle to sizeable holographic chunks. On the eyes, the best "wearable" glitter I've found (although all glitter is "wearable", you just have to wear it) is the Bourjois eyeshadow. It's a great peachy nude colour which is similar to the colour of my eyelids, except packed with tiny silver glitters. When applied liberally it actually looks like you've got glossy, wet eyelids like a fresh-faced cherub. One step up on the sparkly scale are these ace Topshop eyeshadows (called "chameleons" for no discernible reason). When applied wet they look almost foiled, but can also be used lightly as a more unusual highlight on the inner corners etc. The reason these are so good is because they are glitters running through quite normal, nudey eyeshadow colours. Shuffle the Cards is a peach-nude with lots of gold and pink sparkle, while Wax & Wane is a darker taupe with purple and blues. There was a tan and lime green one which I didn't buy at the time and now can't find, which is probably a regret I shall take to my grave. These are surprisingly easy to wear, particularly over a brownish eyeshadow base to do a boring old brown smokey eye but better.

Now onto glitters for experts. The Barry M Glitter Dazzle Dusts should come in about 50 more colours, but still, this pink and silver one is a good time. I like it on the eyelids for a pink-eye-but-glittery look. I also, in a moment of weakness bought 15 pots of multi-coloured glitters on ebay. I now have every colour I could possibly need, but my favourites are the white and the silver holographic. Applied with a wet brush on eyelids and cheekbones they can make you look like an ethereal cult leader. And the Topshop loose glitter in Periwinkle is perhaps the most ridiculous of all the glitters. The iridescent pieces in every shade of white are huge and certainly eye-catching, but perhaps not one for your everyday makeup bag.

 Of course, you can always just smear something glittery on your lips and call it a day. I like these Maybelline and Wet n Wild options because they are garish, articifically scented and, most importantly, cheap. As the photo captures (or more accurately, doesn't), these are actually surprisingly subtle, and good in a fix to smear anywhere on your face where you want more shine (eyelids, cupids bow, cheekbones, you get it).

The one and only downside to glitter is the aftermath. Expect yourself to find bits in inconceivable places for the rest of your life. Instead of being annoyed by it, embrace it. There's something charming and ethereal about leaving a spangly trail behind wherever you go, no?

lady writers #2

I like reading, I like ladies, I like cool-lookingness. Here are the second wave of inspiring, talented women who make cool aesthetic choices and write books I like to read. 

Margaret Atwood exudes not-giving-a-fuck in a way I wish I did. She's prolific and everything she has written, I have thought is bomb. I love her sci-fi-ish, dystopian world view with a focus on the female experience of it. Also she just looks so fab and androgynous and just the right amount of unkempt.
Read: The Handmaid's Tale (duh), but also Oryx and Crake, The Year of the Flood, Cat's Eye, The Edible Woman.
Wear: Unbrushed hair, hats, oversized collars, no makeup.

Ithell Colquhoun is a mythical lady who barely exists on the internet. She is another surrealist and, though mostly known for painting, also wrote a weird and wonderful novel called Goose of Hermogenes. I love female surrealists because I think the female experience (not that there is any universal female experience but you know) is intrinsically a bit bizarre and creepy. She was a very cool and deep-thinking, interesting lady with lots of great ideas.
Read: Goose of Hermogenes.
Wear: Big, patterned sack dresses, headscarfs, walking sticks.

Charlotte Roche is such a great girl. Loads of people have asked her to stop writing because all the things she says about what being a girl is really like is ruining people's ideas about girls. She talks about weird, smelly, disgusting things and will never apologise for it. But once you get past the initial shock, she's actually writing very sad and meaningful stories about really unusual and fascinating characters. 
Read: Wetlands, Wrecked.
Wear: Polonecks, fringes, hairy armpits, facial piercings.

Jean Rhys writes very sad stories about insurmountable problems, yet the stories are strangely compelling and readable. But yes, very very sad, so watch out for that. She is a very poetic writer and does really good imagery - she never writes in poetic cliche, either. 
Read: Wide Sargasso Sea, Good Morning Midnight.
Wear: Collars, cool hats, hoop earrings, sad eyes.

upgradin'

I'm pretty sure this is going to be a bit of a mess, because I basically have a few things I want to talk about which I've tried to group under the umbrella term of "upgrading" beauty products. How it all came about was I smashed (accidentally, not in a rage) my "contour powder" aka eyeshadow which I discussed here. I was sad but then immediately happy because it meant I had the excuse I needed to buy the Kevyn Aucoin Scultping Powder I'd been thinking about for several years like a complete creep.

As you can see - I was right. The two are bloody similar. However, the Kevyn Aucoin (swatched left) is nicer, goes on smoother, is less apt to look like a beard, so if you really love nice things, get that one. But I totally recommend the other one, too (W7 eyeshadow in "burnt sienna" for the fake fans). Is this a dupe? Am I a real blogger?
Anyway, this got me on to thinking of other things I have "upgraded" on recently - in both other cases to something slightly more expensive, but the price difference is nowhere near as alarming as with the contour. Oh, and, unrelated, but Sali Hughes did a great piece for The Pool about why contouring is creepy, so I have some more thoughts on contouring (so deep) which I'll write about at some point.

I may one have said I liked the Rimmel brow gel - I was wrong. The L'oreal one is a billion times better. It's really fibrous and holdy, and I like mad, brushed up eyebrows, so it just serves my purposes more satifactorily. Also, it's more expensive but twice the size so that's good too. And the brush is smaller and less easy to make a mess with. Overall, it is superior in every way. Sorry Rimmel, we're over.

 Beach Blonde is BACK! Who's excited?? (Nobody, apart from me, I'm sure.) This is the BEST SALT SPRAY and it smells like coconut, so I'm saying goodbye to Toni and Guy (lol) and getting married to John Frieda. I will use this forever unless (heaven forbid) they ... discontinue it ... again *wails*. If you have £6 to spend on a salt spray, it's not up to me to tell you what to do, just heavily imply it (cough*beachblonde*cough).