Friday, 12 December 2014

how i learned to stop worrying and love pleather

For many years, wearing "leather" trousers was something I supported others doing, but never expected to be brave enough to become involved in myself. Then I realised that I am definitely going to die one day, and it might even be today, and anyway, what is so brave about covering your (most likely hairy ... or maybe that's just me) legs in what is essentially plastic bags? It doesn't take bravery, all it takes is for you to be easily convinced in H&M one time (or in my case, twice). Enter, my pleather pants:
H&M Joggers Available Here are genuinely the best purchase I have made since the summer and I bought a £1 ticket that allowed me to go to ALL of the pop music concerts. They cost £25 and yes, I have them in two colours, ok. They really appeal to my inner Kanye West, and the best part about them is if you tuck in the cord and wear a top that covers the elastic, they look like tapered leg real trousers and actually have a really nice fit on the leg; the mid-point between baggy and fitted. You can fool everyone into thinking you might be kind of uncomfortable while remaining completely comfortable! I particularly love the combination of these with a textured knitted jumper, particularly in from the beige colour family (holla), also with a HBIC white shirt. I will issue three brief warning on these pants. 1: On the first wear, they will be so unbreathable that your legs feel like two basted turkeys covered in sweat-gravy. After a wash, the breathability increases (although not to levels of a normal trouser). 2: Sometimes during brisk movement (reaching for something on the bottom shelf in a shop is the classic), all of the air will rush out of the trouser leg, creating a fart-like noise. This incidence, too, has rapidly decreased since washing the trousers. 3: Wearing these trousers while sitting on pleather furniture is noisy. I learned the hard way and was basically unable to move at the cinema for the whole of Interstellar (a very long film). Nonetheless, I am so happy to own these trousers and I think we will have a long and loving relationship. If you remain unconvinced, I think Lilly says is best (or just most insanely):
The obvious progression for me fulfilling my dream of wearing sheets of plastic all over my body was a full pleather dress:
This one is by The Whitepepper and I got it on ebay. I totally dig what my uncle terms the "art teacher smock", and this one really does tick all of the boxed because it has pockets. I honestly cannot understand why all dresses don't come with pockets, unless I'm making them myself, because pockets are really hard. Although this dress does have a similar breathability issue, sometimes it's nice to be trapped in a sauna of your own making, particularly in South London in December. There are no fart-noise problems / funny japes, or squeaking against the seat embarrassments. When I wore this dress Lilly called me "a Spice Girl" and "a female pimp". When I wore the trouser she said I "was dressed like Prince". All great compliments (they are definitely compliments).

The next stage in my pleather journey is finally working out how to wear my pleather cap. I actually like it, but so far everybody in my life disagrees. (My mum said "this isn't what you do!" and Alex actually used to word "hate" - rude.) Sorry for this weird photo, the selfie-situation in my current studio (bedroom) isn't up to par - just kidding, S&D, thanks for letting me stay here!!!

 Is it just me, or is there a sort of religious-figure element to the above photo? The arms above the head, the haunting eyes, the backwards baseball cap...
If you need anymore convincing of the wonders of pleather-life, here is a GIF of my queen, Adore Delano, doing a dance move that I truly respect:
 My Hero.

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